B efore I got sober, I was ruled by fear. I often hear in twelve-step meetings the importance of turning my will and life over to a power greater than myself. Looking back throughout my life, I always was and am turning my life over to something, essentially giving it control. When I was using, I turned my will and life over to Fear. My actions and thoughts were ruled by my fear of myself and my overwhelming emotions which I never learned to cope with.
Fear completely ruled my life. I lived in suffering, and found no peace in things as they were. There were problems with me, a spiritual malady that prevented me from seeing the blessing of life. Instead of living in gratitude, I let fear overpower me.
When I was newly sober, there were many times that I felt overwhelmed by my emotions. My sponsor used to say to me, “The good news is you’re feeling again. The bad news is you’re feeling again.” My fear of seeing my true emotions and who I was were what drove me to use. Life had gotten so unbearable, that when I made that decision to seek a better path, I had to suddenly start dealing with all these emotions. I didn’t feel like I wanted to get high, I just felt like I didn’t want to feel.
Today, I am able to deal with these emotions, although fear still does get the best of me on occasion. The second and third step were my first turning point with the fear situation. I trust that a power greater than myself holds the best path for me, and that everything happens for a reason. My higher power is forgiving, and no thought or feeling I have is inherently wrong. As I trust in God, I am able to walk through my fear, and see that it is only making me stronger and better able to cope with it.
Buddhism has also greatly aided me through living without the controlling reign of fear. My Samatha and Vipassana practices have helped me become more aware of myself and my emotions, as well as seeing the true nature of my fear. I see that fear comes completely from within, as I am sometimes in fear when completely alone and silent. It is often said in the program that fear is one side of the coin and faith is the other. I have found this especially true through my meditation practices. When I experience fear, it is directly because I have a lack of faith in that moment. Just as fear comes from within, my higher power must come from within.
When I am able to sear my fear and my suffering in this light, it opens a door to a realm of possibilities. I am able to see that one of my suffering is a lack of faith, and even being too hard on myself about it. I criticize the world, specifically myself, and am not able to live in acceptance. I see that the cessation of this specific suffering is possible, because I have experienced it before. I know that the way through this suffering is through right effort, right livelihood, right action, and of course right view. My view is becoming stronger and stronger as the days go by. I know that right effort is important because I must not give up and persevere through the fearful times. Right livelihood is important to me today because I earn a good honest living. My livelihood is important to maintain because it allows me to live in confidence, knowing that my faith and lack of fear brings me to higher ground. Finally, my actions are extremely important. as I sometimes must act my way into right thinking. With Buddhism as well as twelve-step recovery, right action sometimes needs to come first, as experience leads to true faith.
I heard a newcomer say in a meeting recently that “fear is some powerful shit.” I respect his opinion of course, but I pray that one day he can see that it is only as powerful as he allows it to be. Today, fear is not as powerful as it used to be. Waves of emotion occur. I do not have to let them become waves of fear or waves of craving, and for that I love my higher power.