Archive for the 5th Step Category
Writing a fourth step is an act of courage. It takes immense bravery to write in detail a complete moral inventory of oneself paying close attention to our part. It is important to detail our resentments, because after doing so we can look at how we were affected and what our part in the resentment was. When we break down resentment we learn that we still carry it because it affects a constant fear that we have. Perhaps someone bruised our ego or we felt cheated, we change our perspective to see where we were selfish, dishonest, or afraid. When looking at our fear inventory, we break down each fear and find that most fears are related. Our fears all share the commonality that we are not actually scared of something concrete or material, but of how it will make us feel. When writing our sex inventory it is important to look at how our behavior affected our relationships. Without beating ourselves up, we accept responsibility for how we acted. It is the act of catharsis to write how we feel, and an act of courage to look at our part.
The courageous act of putting this all on paper must immediately be followed with an act of integrity. The catharsis is incomplete if we do not quickly read it out loud, so we can admit to our high-power, another human being, and ourselves, the exact nature of our wrongs. The power of the inventory lies in this confession. When we read it out loud, we take the power away from everything we have held on to. We are finally able to let go of guilt, shame, resentment, and fear.
Recently I went through my steps for the second time with my sponsor, and the difference between my first fourth step and second one was astonishing. After I read my fifth step the first time, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt as though everything that I had carried around for all those years finally dissipated. I was expecting a similarly visceral experience the second time. They were roughly equally in length, and both thorough. However, after the second one I wasn’t as emotional or changed. I attribute this to the constant inventory I take. Since my first fourth step I have tried to tell the truth and tell it faster. This means doing a tenth step any time I have a resentment, and reaching out when I am struggling. After some time of doing this I found that I am fundamentally changed. A weight wasn’t lifted the second time because I no longer let the weight of resentment and pain accumulate.
“Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn’t strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, our sins”
I often hear people quote the line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous where it says, “Resentments are our #1 Offender.” I have taken this line as gospel, and done everything possible to purge myself of resentments. Furthermore, I try to prevent from acquiring resentments in the first place. However, after having a discussion with one of the most special people in my life, I have come to a somewhat contradictory conclusion.